Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
operation have a gay friend backfired
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
