In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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