i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
