my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
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