Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
