he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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