apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
All the doctor said was why
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
