So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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