Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
