can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
