Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
