Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just cropdusted the office
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.