i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
