You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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