I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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