Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
