yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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