her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize