Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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