My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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