it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
