Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
