My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
