god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
