2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Someone shit on the floor
I wish I only lived at night.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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