Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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