I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
