Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
