I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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