i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
