I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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