Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
