He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
