And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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