I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
