My pussy is not your playground.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
