I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
