i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
