You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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