I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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