There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
