alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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