Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
