i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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