I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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