Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
