I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
