grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
