It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
