She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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