I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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