Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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