Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize
