i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
