I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
