I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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